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This morning my family experienced a life-changing, near-death experience:
I learned three things as a result from this experience:
1. Decide what’s important
2. Prioritize around it
3. Put God & Family first!
…but most importantly, I was reminded of this very important life and business lesson:
Praying for you and your family today.
Explaining death and dying to our kids is not something we imagine doing when we give birth, yet it is an inevitable part of life.
Many of you have followed along the journey we went through with Ricky’s dad this summer, starting with him being diagnosed with a brain tumor on June 7 and finally departing from this earth on August 26, 2012.
Honestly, it is something we are all still learning to live with, especially when it comes to how our family relates to each other. But I don’t think I realized just how difficult it would be to help my children walk through the dying process.
However, in an effort to help others who are going through a similar time of life, I’m sharing our story over on the Monroe Carell Jr. Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt Wishing Well blog today.
Thank you for affording me the opportunity to be so candid with you all.
Selfishly, I’d love to hear from those of you who are a step ahead of me in this process: How are your children a year after the death of your loved one? How have you taught them to handle their emotions better?
I can’t imagine this will get any easier as we get closer to the holidays, but I’m praying for clarity, healing and hope!
Have you ever wondered how to help out when someone dies? When someone dies, whether it’s a close relative or faraway friend, everyone wants to know how to help out in practical ways.
Of course flowers and cards are nice, but as we’ve realized in this past week since my father-in-law passed away, there are certain things you simply don’t want to have to worry about. Thinks like cooking, cleaning and childcare.
We have been the recipients of amazing amounts of generosity in this past week and I have learned a lot about practical ways to help out when someone dies. So as is only fitting, I thought I would use this medium in which I am most comfortable communicating as a way to not only say thank you to those who helped, but also to pass on the practical tips of generosity I’ve learned as a result of their kindness:
(thank you to the Brunks!)
The second morning we arrived at my mother-in-law’s, I thought to myself, “I’m really thankful for the pot roast that was brought over last night, but I wish we had something for breakfast.” Not a half hour later did a neighbor drive up with literally bag upon bag from Walmart containing a wide variety of breakfast offerings, including orange juice, bagels, cream cheese & even Pop Tarts for the kids. She also brought a variety of household goods, which leads me to point #2…
(also thanks to the Hoffpauirs & Mydocks)
I don’t like to clean, even on my best days, much less when grief and tragedy has struck! It thought it was brilliant for people to think to bring us everything from toilet paper, paper towels & paper plates to coffee cups & plastic cups. It simply made for one less thing to worry about every day.
(thanks to the Addison’s)
One night we were brought a variety of cold cuts, cheese, and veggies (AND homemade bread – an added bonus!). It was perfect because everyone could dress their sandwich how & when they wanted. Others also brought salads with a choice of vegetables & dressings. It was perfect because not only did it allow us to extend those meals throughout the week, but it also recognized that there are a number of different taste buds living in the same house this week 
This didn’t happen this week, but a friend said that often she’ll bring a meal she has cooked and frozen for someone to eat later when they want. Let’s face it, people often are very supportive in the days initially following a tragedy, but naturally that help tapers off. Bringing a frozen meal allows the help to extend into that time when people aren’t bringing hot meals over anymore.
I loved when I discovered that people were bringing over their cinnamon roles, fruit and meals in plastic trays that didn’t need to be returned! I initially started freaking out when I thought I’d have to try and remember who brought what so I could return them to the proper home; then I found that almost everyone had brought things in either aluminum pans or plastic trays – brilliant!
Our friends Susie & Amy also brought a beautiful (plastic!) tray of cut up fruit with homemade fruit dip. This was great because not only was it great for snacking on, but the kids loved it and I loved having something healthy on hand that was easy to grab.
(Thanks to the Bakers, Mydocks, Cones & Irvines)
We are lucky to have so many people that LOVE…I mean truly LOVE our kiddos. While our kids really did a great job this week, especially at the viewing and funeral, there were times when it was just too much for them. That’s why I was so grateful to have friends (who are really more like family to us) who so graciously offered to not just take and watch our kids for us, but really play with and love on them! I can’t tell you how happy it makes my heart to know that my kids are being cared for in this way during this time of need.
When we first arrived at my MIL’s house, her air had gone out and her sink wasn’t working. After just one call for help, it took less than a day to get it all fixed! This individual may not know how to make a casserole, but he certainly knew how to meet a need in a time of need 
Suffice it to say, it was a HUGE blessing not only to my MIL, but to ALL of us staying with her this week! (I’m going to leave these gentlemen nameless because I truly believe they did not help to be noticed, but purely because it was the right thing to do and I don’t want to embarrass them
Just think, if people need food, they also need drinks! Several people brought us cases of bottled water, 12 packs of soda, juice and of course, drink of choice in the South, Sweet Tea. It’s also helpful to have it portable form like a bottle of water or can of pop because we were on the go so much.
Yes, this is practical help! I don’t know how I left this off the first list, but if you read my post about felt prayers from my travels down to Florida, then you already realize just how important prayer is.
Of course I can’t possible thank all the families in Hobe Sound and even the out-of-town family by name who sent flowers, meals and more to us this week, but please know your generosity was appreciated by the entire Cone family! (And I’m sorry if I left anyone out above – just know we are truly grateful for everyone!).
And more importantly, your acts of kindness will now be passed on in the lessons I learned so I can be a better friend and neighbor to those around me when I return home!
What are your favorite tips for helping to bless others when someone dies?
With all that our family has gone through with Dad Cone in the past week and a half, there has been an inevitable topic that we’ve had to broach: talking about dying with our kids.
At first we tried to shield them from it, but as they were around Pappy more and more, the Hospice nurse said that they needed to face the inevitable: their Grandpa was dying.
We’d already been on the go so much in the past month that it was hard to believe that as fast as we had unpacked from our trip earlier this month, we had to re-pack and jump back in the car to go down to Florida again. Now here we sit, with my 58 year old Father-in-law who’s been given just weeks to live after being diagnosed with one of the most ravaging brain conditions known to man.
This was not in our plans.
In many ways, we have peace:
-There is tremendous peace in knowing our lives are not our own. Isaiah says, “My ways are not your ways and my thoughts are not your thoughts…” Realizing that God’s plans are much bigger and better than ours has helped us release the need for control over this mind-boggling situation…and further serves as a reminder that we cannot hold on to anything to tightly, regardless of whether it’s as meaningful as a relationship and as inconsequential as our own schedule.
-Though we have had issues in our relationship with my Father-in-Law in the past, my husband has experienced great conversation and reconciliation over the last few months when it comes to their past & present relationship.
-We see the time we have been given with him as a gift. The majority of us will have no clue as to when our time comes to leave this earth. My FIL has been given a glimpse into that gift; it is a gift that has allowed him the opportunity to make his heart right with others, but most importantly, his Heavenly Father.
At the same time, these past few days have been incredibly heavy and painful. We have been in and out of the hospital, learning the ins & outs of Hospice care, making very complicated life-altering decisions, comforting family from in & out of town and finally, what’s been most difficult for me, walking my own children through this process.
“It’s ok for his grandkids to know that he’s dying,” said the Hospice nurse, “It’s part of life. It’s not an easy part, but that doesn’t mean you should shield them from the inevitable. Talk with them, involved them in the process and most importantly, let them enjoy him while he’s still here.”
So I sat my two kids down on the bed in front of me and started with, “Pappy’s really sick.”
Before I could continue on with my rehearsed speech, Kariss quickly retorted, “We know; he’s dying.”
I wasn’t quite sure where to go from there. I asked how they knew and they said they had overheard us talking, so we proceeded to talk as candidly as possible without invoking fear or unnecessary worry into their little heads.
I brought back out the book, Heaven is for Real for Kids, to remind them what heaven is like and most importantly, who God is. What I love about the book is that it captures the frankness and honesty of a young child dealing with some very adult concepts…and paints a beautiful picture for children to learn and grow from in the process.
As parents, we desperately try to protect our children from any hurt, yet we often grossly underestimate their minds and capabilities. By not being honest, I was actually creating more stress and tension in my daughter (who is already quick to internalize pain), instead of opening the door for her to feel free enough to come talk to me at any point about all she’s experiencing and how it relates to her life.
In an effort to protect our kids, we too often prevent them from letting them discover some of the most important qualities of life.
I’m sure many of you have had to walk a similar path with your own family, which is why I wanted to offer you the chance to win a copy of Heaven is for Real for Kids for you (or maybe to give to someone you know who may be going through the same journey).
We appreciate your continued prayers for Dad Cone and will continue to update you as things progress.
Simply enter via the Rafflecopter widget below if you’re interested in winning a copy of the book:
a Rafflecopter giveaway
Ok, this has nothing to do with freebies, but I know some of you would enjoy hearing my humorous account of what happened to one of my all time favorite outfits today:
No, I’m not talking about Ted Kennedy’s passing. In fact, this is much more relevant to my life – my favorite hoodie tracksuit has officially bit the dust…(you can click HERE to read all the details on our family blog!)
However, if any of you are aware of any GREAT sales that would help me replace my favorite piece of fashion, I’m all ears!!!
